My first taste of the Mals was seeing my older brother, Emperor Eppo, (yes… he is older!) recovering on our mother’s settee after his trips… in between bouts of heavy snoring he regaled the amazing and often incredulous adventures of a weird cult trip to faraway islands. I was of course hooked but had no idea how to join this merry band of desperados to this exotic location, until he finally sponsored me on Andy Clay’s trip in 2012. I roomed with Joss where I was coached in the dark arts of Maldom, technology and gadgets. (I even flew to Cape Town to try and lure him back for this year!) However it is clear that every trip has been an education in all things living and undead since then.

My flushing-in year had the additional excitement of having to fight for the coveted 300 number… now putting, pastie eating and drinking a pint have never been my strong points but clearly multitasking helped beat Lloyd and Jakesy to the title, now held dearly.

Like many Mals before, I knew that at some stage in my membership of this wonderful organisation I would get the call… so the 92nd trip will be under my watch (well, that’s not entirely true, we have a superb hierarchy that steer, guide, advise and kick in the right direction!) The customary round of golf before the trip for the PE with the DG and Mr O resulted in the terms and conditions of the trip being set. The first 9 were for me to formulate my plans and ideas and the second 9 was for them to dispel any notion that I had any control over what would happen! After 18 holes all I had to offer was Rainbow socks and no shaving until guest night… obviously neither are compulsory but why not give it a go? (Spirit of the Mals!)

In writing this mission statement I thought I should be more “Gen Z” and use AI, ChatGPT and plagiarise previous brochures. I then realised my company laptop prevented me from using these sites in case I wrote my performance management reviews with them! I had also hoped to gain divine guidance from the previous president Ali, watching his every move, taking notes of timings and speeches and finding ways of perfecting the perfect. Unfortunately circumstances sadly prevented the Epton gang from attending a most enjoyable trip and exciting Presidency. Sorry Alastair, I was looking forward to your leadership. (Just as an aside, we would like to thank all the well-wishers for your kind words and understanding… all is looking good now). I have re-read Ali’s mission statement and would just like to say ditto, but I suspect I may have to paraphrase some of the messages in all Presidents mission statements to get away with my own!

The joys of the Mal de Mer club come in many forms but I would say one of the key ingredients is the friendship and camaraderie that comes from a group of diverse individuals teaming up to take on a common foe. This is a primordial function of a species to ensure its survival (obviously I am not considering the Islanders as the enemy, far from it, but I am using some poetic licence!) This teamwork extends from the battlefields into the group bonding to celebrate the spoils of victory. Notice I have not included commiserations. We are a team of winners and any notion of defeat will be severely dealt with… please bring plenty of £1 coins for fines!

As a species we will function best if we stay together where possible (safety in numbers) and engage in all those events we feel best suited for and even those we aren’t… remember we have the Endeavour trophy to award to the person who has taken part in the most events. So with this in mind, New Boys don’t be shy about displaying your talents or lack of them in any of the disciplines… seek out the Captains and get your name down on the team list.

I would also ask non-combatants to ensure they support the players at all events where possible but please remember that positive encouragement comes in many forms, cheering and flag waving is a fantastic way to seek assistance if stranded but can also be used to boost a team’s morale. Expletives and certain nouns need to chosen carefully… remember we are not all thick skinned like the Baby Boomers or Gen X or the Millennials and ladies and non-binaries may be present.

Finally Mals and New Boys, I would like to say have fun, respect the location and hospitality of these gracious hosts and hostesses. Be kind and mindful to all. Pay your bar bill and fines promptly. Don’t feed the seagulls. Play fair, we all have to work the following week (well maybe the Baby Boomers and some of the Gen Z guys have managed to eke out their retirement pots to enjoy an easy life). Most of all, survive… we need you all back next year and bring a friend if you’ve got one!

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